


Smiling Knives and Shooting Winks

by AureateRaconteur



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Fluff, Kinda, M/M, Witty Banter, eridan's a military nerd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 19:43:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12754908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AureateRaconteur/pseuds/AureateRaconteur
Summary: Equidan  Blackrom-Often times battles are decided in the first few moments. Eridan plans on winning his date with Equius, but when Equius turns out to be a harder foe to conquer than he thought can Eridan recover from the possibly death dealing blow (to his massive ego)?Or- Eridan is a massive over analyzing nerd and almost loses the witty banter pre-date. It's very important to him ok?





	Smiling Knives and Shooting Winks

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even ship this but I just wanted to write so here you go?? Cool.

This time you came 45 minutes early. Normally you wouldn't bother to show up early, in fact you know that showing up late ticks him off an inordinate amount, but you also know that he expects it by now. And out of all the elements, you think surprise is a pretty good one. In fact, as an expert on military tactics you'd say it's the best one. Your name is Eridan Ampora, and when your kismesis arrives he is going to be fucking PISSED. 

This time, you count the seconds until it's exactly 6. And when it finally hits the exact time of 6 o'clock sharp, you start the stopwatch. To your absolute delight, you have to wait 3 minutes until Equius shows up, and your smile is sharp and glinting like a knife in the moonlight. His jaw drops to reveal a landscape of missing and cracked teeth. You would like to pretend that you were the one who broke any of them but unfortunately physically you're completely outclassed by this douchebag. Luckily for you, you have enough in pure charisma, intelligence, and cunning to make up for it in spades. Both in the sense of a quadrant and the fact that you've got about an imperial armada's worth of it. 

"Well, look who decided to fuckin' show up now! I almost thought you might not be coming. Can't believe YOU of all people would be late Eq, especially when you give me a hard time about it all the time." You're sure that underneath the pair of dark cracked shades your kismesis' eyes are as wide as your own mischievously gleeful grin. His usually oh so composed posture has been forsaken and you can see the veins in his hand pulsing and he clenches his fist. You can see his whole body slicking with sweat, rivers of it pouring and washing away the blood he's drawn from digging his nails into his palm. The look of his face contorting in anger is beautiful and you know that you've already won the night. When Eq gets angry he loses his composure. And when Equius loses composure he becomes more vulnerable to the only way you can hurt him, taunts and jabs and a volley of words he can't crush with his absurd strength.

Almost immediately after though, he resumes his pokerface. He's been getting better, you'll have to work harder if you want to get under his skin. This'll be fun.

"Well, I thought it wouldn't matter if you were going to be late as usual. However I see that you feel threatened enough that you felt the need to come early to gain the upper hand? It's good to know you understand the need for any advantage you can claw for as seadweller scum." his tone is as cool as his hue, and you can't see a trace of emotion in his body language or his expression. You appreciate that despite his perfect stoicism and air of haughty nonchalance he still has the easiest tell to identify in all of Alternia. Not to be lewd, even though you make a point of being crass around him, but Eq always sweats enough to fill a filial pail when he's nervous. And he's still fucking sopping. Jackpot.

But damn if that didn't fucking sting just a bit. Using your own use of tactics to undermine your ego? You can tell he's been planning for tonight, possibly by using some of the passive aggressive gifts of strategy books you gave as a subtle jab at his intellect. Or maybe he talked to HER. The only other person you've ever dated in hate. Oh god, it made to much sense. A cutthroat blueblood ally, your former kismesis to be in cahoots with, not only to get the upper hand but to psyche you out. But no, they dislike each other. In fact, you don't have any evidence to go on, they hate each other. Oh GOD, what if they HATE each other? What if he's breaking up with you tonight and that's why he's so fine right now? To leave you for-

You disregard your paranoia after realizing that it's stupid. Vris couldn't be half the kismesis you are, and even if she could, you know Eq would rather die than say someone lower than hims worth being his rival. You're snapped out of your analytical fever by a small rumbling cough Equius makes into his hand. You realize you've been staring doing nothing for however long and you feel your fins twitching and your face is like good for cards right now. Royal flush. 

"Are we going to go on this date or are you going to just going to continue gawking. I know you're easily unarmed but I thought in a battle of words you said you wouldn't be defeated easily. I see that it was only more of your foolish bravado." And here you thought you were supposed to be the marksman. He's hitting the mark in all the right spots and you definitely need to stop waxing caliginous in your head if you want any chance of not humiliating yourself tonight. Quick, say something!

"Well I was just admirin' how well you clean up for a fuckin' weak-willed, pathetic, unintelligent piece of landwellin' garbage. I'm surprised a rustblood isn't takin' you out." You barely stop yourself from cringing, that was cliche as fuck and you're ashamed of yourself. You fucking piece of shit hack. You panicked, you said something stupid, and now you've got to do damage control. Or maybe not. Equius looks flustered, and you remember, oh YEAH. Yeah you're going to have to make a note in your tactical planner about how you can probably exploit his crush on Aradia for some pretty good digs. Just thinking of your tactical planner calms you down a bit. You've been freaking out over nothing and frankly it's unbecoming for someone good at this shit as you.

"We going or are you going to just stand there gawkin'?" Oh yeah, you are so fucking smooth. You take the time to shoot him a suave as hell wink, and you are pretty sure there is no way what so ever he can recover from this. You have just won, and there's not a chance he can rebut with the amount of sweat pouring out of him. You confidently walk over with your smug expression, and you're about 120% sure that your cape looked cool flowing behind you, and you've got this in the bag now. You offer an arm, patiently waiting for his response. He reaches out and takes your arm and-

"OW OW OW OW OW OW FUCK SHIT SHIT ASS WHAT THE FUCK" You shout while crumpling to the ground in pain. "Handle my arm a little rougher you fuckin' piece of shit!"

" I'm so sorry. Well, I guess since you need to go to the mediblock now you'll be late anyway. Shame. I hope your arm won't make you an even more pathetic kismesis. Meet me at the restaurant when you're done." And then he walks away like the prick he is while you're curled up whimpering in pain. 

Stupid super strength. Stupid Equius. Stupid you. Whatever, he may have won the first round, but the battle wasn't over yet. You'd get him later. But first, you needed to go get your arm un-fucked up.


End file.
